Over the last six months, I realized that I needed to expand the work I do as a spiritual care volunteer (SCV) for Jewish Family Services (JFS).
For the past four years, I have been working with the senior population at one elder care facility. To be honest, it is one of the most rewarding volunteer positions I have ever held. I believe I am really helping people and making life a bit more pleasant. It gladdens my heart.
But six months ago, we had a family event that changed me. My daughter lost a pregnancy at four months as their much-wanted fetus was not viable. Making a choice to end a pregnancy is not an easy decision. It hurts the heart. I traveled to be with my daughter and son-in-law. I realized during the time that I was with them that my spiritual care training was helpful as we walked and talked and dealt with this unhappy time.
When I returned home, I saw that the Bikur Cholim, an organization that provided programming for chaplains and SCV, was offering a three-week summit entitled “Perinatal Loss Summit” with a group called “I Was Supposed to Have A Baby.” I thought that would help us as we dealt with our loss, so I signed up.
The Mission of “I Was Supposed to Have A Baby” is “to utilize social platforms (Instagram, TikTok, LinkedIn, Facebook, etc.) to support all Jewish individuals and families struggling to have a child by providing a warm and nurturing space for those going through infertility, pregnancy loss, infant loss, surrogacy and adoption, and by making connections to resources in the Jewish community at large.”
I found this three-part programming informative, helpful, and thought provoking as I learned about Jewish rituals, or rather lack of, for women who suffered pregnancy loss, infertility and death of an infant. I was excited to learn that women were developing their own rituals. I read the book that was discussed, “Tears of Sorrow, Seeds of Hope,” by Rabbi Nina Beth Cardin. Its subtitle is “A Jewish Spiritual Companion for Infertility and Pregnancy Loss.” It provides ideas for both rituals and prayers. I found it extremely helpful.
The third meeting impacted my SCV/NCJW volunteer mind. It included representatives of a National Council of Jewish Women section in New York who provided individual peer support and group support for women dealing with pregnancy issues, infertility and loss. They would pair a woman who had a similar problem 20 or more years ago with a woman going through it now for peer counseling.
As someone who also suffered through infertility, ending with both biological and adopted children, and this more recent family loss, I thought this might be something I could do. I spoke to Jewish Community Chaplain Rabbi Jonathan Rudnick, who is my supervisor for SCV, to see this was possible. He said that spiritual care volunteers could help wherever they were needed.
I also spoke to the woman who runs the JFS program called Priya, which is focused on helping couples who are experiencing infertility, trying to adopt, and other birth related issues. I asked if they had a peer support program or anything like that. She said they had tried, but people felt uncomfortable talking to others and revealing their feelings afraid that the information would get into the public. But as I am HIPAA compliant as a spiritual care volunteer that is not an issue, I do not talk about who and what I learn.
They both agreed that this is something that might be useful in our community. With that encouragement, I am continuing on my quest to help. Recently, JFS paid for me to attend a one-day workshop on “The Mental Health of Women in the Reproductive Years.” Of the 30 participants, I was the only one not in the medical field; most were social workers who worked with or planned to work with pregnant women dealing with postpartum depression, as well as pregnancy loss. Centimano Counseling, which is focused on Perinatal Mental Health, held the workshop. I learned more than I expected and was glad I had the opportunity to attend.
My belief is that if I even help one person or one couple, then it is more than worth all these extra trainings. I remember the black hole of despair I had when I could not get pregnant and all around me my family and friends were having babies. I understand how difficult it is to speak to someone who has no idea what heartache was happening within me. I knew how it was easier to speak to someone who was going through the same problems as me than even my own mother, who had no idea what infertility was like.
So, I am hoping that as a compassionate, HIPAA compliant, friendly sounding board, I can help those in need get a little bit of hope and joy back in their lives.
If you are someone you know within the Jewish community is dealing with infertility challenges, please reach out to Priya Program Manager Molly Hess at or (913) 327-8239. For more information on Priya, please visit Priyakc.org.
