A lot of things in Judaism are black-and-white, polar opposites, set in stone, two distinct opposite experiences.
Last week, we went from a 25-hour fast directly into Shabbat, where many eat a Thanksgiving-esque meal each week. The experience of moving from Tisha B’Av into Shabbat is just one example of these opposites.
We have a holiday where it’s customary to stay up all night learning Torah, and another where we’re forbidden from studying. When we count the Omer, and during the three weeks leading up to Tisha B’Av, Halacha (Jewish law) says not to listen to any live music or music with instruments, but the rest of the year, we can listen to as much as we want.
I’ve been thinking a lot about palpable and straightforward opposites lately, and I’m starting to understand that a lot of life, and even Jewish life, is lived in the gray areas.
Growing up, I thought adulthood meant a lot more work and a lot less play. That the week was mundane and every weekend was a blast. For some people that is what adulthood looks like: the 80% work, 20% play life, where they live five days for two, and the weekend is where they thrive.
There’s nothing wrong with that if it works for you, but in my childhood mind, that was the only way to do it. Now, not only do I get to have fun on weeknights, inviting friends over for dinner, going out to ice cream or playing a card game with my roommate, but I also see how the fun finds its way into work and how work is involved to create the fun.
Yes, every night I make dinner (work), but I can put on some fun tunes and dance around while I cook (play). I sometimes spend an hour handwashing dishes from a large Shabbat dinner (work), but I get to have deep conversations with my friends and guests while I do (play).
I also used to think there were the things you did for yourself and the things you did for others. That a good deed was inherently selfless and couldn’t be self serving.
A lot of mitzvot are actually self-serving in a way. Yes, we put up mezuzot on our doorposts because it is one of the 613 mitzvot, but it’s also believed to provide your household spiritual protection.
There are so many things in life that are like that. When I host a large group of people so they can all meet new friends and build community, it benefits me as well. I get to meet new people, feel the satisfaction of a successful gathering and enjoy my home being filled with chatter and the clinking of silverware.
As a child, most choices were a matter of right and wrong. In my young adulthood, choices are a lot less this-or-that. After college graduation, you can move far away from the community you’ve known your whole life and start fresh. Or, you can stay and give back to the community that raised you.
Annoyingly, those aren’t the only two choices. You can also pursue graduate education, take a break from school and career to explore the world or “find yourself.” The choices get less and less easy as life goes on.
As I notice what Jewish spaces are the most meaningful to me, what activities in my life bring me joy and fulfillment and what habits are sustainable in adulthood, the in-between is calling to me.
I love attending synagogue most weeks with others who have the same practices in their Judaism as I do, but I also love large events and organizations where everyone is welcome and I get to see the magnitude of our Jewish community. And the great thing is, I don’t have to pick one or the other.
As I continue to reach life-changing crossroads, I’m trying my best to remember to ignore the two-sides way of thinking and examine the options in the gray zone.
I’m lucky to have people in my life who remind me to think this way, to reexamine my one-track mind and realize both roads lead to new lessons and adventures. Not everything has to be all-or-nothing. I can incorporate the work and the play into one another, build new traditions and keep the old, and find the balance that leads to a happy, healthy life.
I hope you, too, can explore all the hidden and unique options, not just the polar opposites presented on paper.
Alexis Greenberg is a recent KU graduate with a master’s degree in project management. She is currently Jewish Federation of Kansas City’s digital marketing specialist.
