In memory of Greenberg’s cousins who died in 2024.
My dear cousin,
Sadly, your journey to recovery from illness came to an unwelcome end. And I attended your funeral.
During Shiva, as is a Sephardic custom, the “Woman of Valor” poem was recited praising the traits of working for others, such as helping the poor and supporting a husband as a civic leader. On taking care of herself, this verse surprisingly suggested “…She looks for wool and flax…” Wool and flax to indicate a balance between loving kindness and boundaries. Sensible attributes, yes, with the latter implying setting limits on one’s self to avoid becoming overburdened. Due to restricted space on these pages, the lengthy description of how these two may be linked to character traits is omitted. I believe, however, using cryptic language misses the point for such a crucial connection. Who among us can separate the true teaching from phrases that need elaborate clarification?
Many took turns praising your characteristics of “being selfless,” “always interested in welfare of others” and “good to a fault.” Had I known about these, dearest, I would have reminded you of the Talmudic sage Hillel’s wisdom, “If I am not for myself, who will be for me?...” Notice he emphasized first the significance of a person being true to herself or himself. Then later, Hillel balances caring for one’s self with loving deeds for others.
Your condition was discovered at “late onset,” so aggressive treatment was started. It was okay to be “aggressive” to stop disease. And you fought courageously. For many, it’s frowned upon for a woman to do just about anything “aggressively,” even taking care of herself.
Still, others encouraged you to take better care of yourself. But they could not be expected to act on your behalf. I wonder what needs to happen for each of us to be open and reachable to new vital choices?
We live fast-paced lives, too busy to think clearly about our own needs and wishes. In reality, it’s doable. Being clear can help identify what each of us will do and what we won’t do for ourselves and for close relationships. Working in this way, one may boldly create a well-defined self. If a woman fails to pay attention to and act for herself, she might waste away, in one sense or another.
Your own voice was filled with exceptional insights and perspectives. You were too shy, yet, to speak your own mind.
Another verse in the poem points to a woman’s many and varied efforts, for which others “…honor her for her work…” Excellent approval. I believe so great an appreciation should include taking actions to fulfill the true meaning of the word. Clearly, all who live in the household should do their utmost to support, protect and take loving care of the woman apparently honored.
We should certainly continue to praise each woman for her virtues and strengths, and goodhearted commitments to family and more. Keeping in mind, too, that each adult has a responsibility to create and maintain a home of peace and love.
Beloved cousin, words alone fail to express my sorrow that you ran out of time, worn out both physically and emotionally.
Rest in everlasting peace, dear one.
Mary M. Greenberg, Ph.D., serves on the State of Kansas Holocaust Commission. Her speaking engagements on preventing antisemitism are based on her research that advances the study of the Jewish people in the Diaspora. She is dedicated, also, to writing about how a Jewish perspective enriches our contemporary lives.
