The seders and the story of the Exodus are important, and I have no problems with them. My issue with Passover is that I can’t have chametz.
I understand why we don’t eat leavened foods, and I agree that keeping kosher for Passover is important and should be observed. That doesn’t mean I have to like it.
Every one of my favorite foods is not kosher for Passover. I like chametz more than I care to admit, and everyone who’s ever eaten with me knows I’m going to gravitate to the pasta, rice, breads, pizzas, crackers and cakes.
Because of this, my options for enjoying food on Passover are limited. Sure, I like matzah ball soup, my mom will make some fleishig dinner that I’ll eat, and I might even (*gasp*) eat a fruit or vegetable (potatoes are vegetables — I Googled it). I get through eating at the seders. But I can’t have mac and cheese, and just knowing that makes me a little sad.
So, what do I eat for substance? Matzah pizza.
During my Passovers in middle and high school, despite the guarantee that it would be a soggy mess, either my mom or I would make matzah pizza every morning and wrap it in aluminum foil. At lunch, I’d unwrap the goo that it had turned into and confuse all my non-Jewish friends. I kid you not, during Passover 2015, I ate matzah pizza for 14 meals.
In 2018 and 2019, against the rules of my college dorm, I brought from home a toaster oven that we only use on Passover for the sole purpose of making matzah pizza. When it wasn’t in use, I hid the toaster under my bed, under a blanket. I’m sure everyone could smell the odor of singed matzah and cheese, but still, I was never caught.
Matzah pizza is my primary source of nutrients during Passover, which might explain why I don’t feel the best for eight days every spring. (Here’s a tip — don’t try stacking matzah pizzas to make a “matzah lasagna” unless you hate your stomach).
There is, however, one other category of Passover food I enjoy: cakes. The only problem is that as much as someone will frown at me for constantly eating matzah pizza, they will scowl at me if I only eat cake.
Of course, I mean Passover cakes. The Manischewitz marble Passover cake is as close to perfect as a cake-mix cake can be — Passover or not. But even better is my Bubbie’s homemade Passover sponge cake, which contains more eggs than there are people on Earth. My argument to people that my Bubbie’s cake has protein from the eggs, and therefore should count as a meal, has never worked (the same goes for my grandmother’s “hockey puck” Passover biscuit/muffins).
A Passover cake in the Kricsfeld household usually lasts a day and a half. Granted, they are pretty tiny, but I eat a much larger amount of each cake compared to everyone else. I am not exaggerating when I say we often go through five or six Manischewitz cake mixes per Passover.
I am well aware that my Passover eating habits are more than a little unhealthy. To answer the questions that you are bound to have: No, I do not like to try new foods. No, I don’t like toppings on my matzah pizza. And yes, my Passover diet wreaks havoc on my gastrointestinal system.
There’s nothing wrong with eating like a six-year-old eight days out of the year — or 365 days out of the year.
Next year in Jerusalem — but only if they have matzah pizza.
