I was 15 years old in 1991. My dad had just come out of the closet, left my mom and moved into his own apartment. Our family was stunned at his revelation and we fell apart. Books were my best friends then, and still are. So I did the only thing I knew how to do: I went to the bookstore to get some help.
I asked the Waldenbooks saleswoman for a book about having a gay dad. She looked dumbfounded, then suppressed a giggle as she led me to the children’s section where all of the babies’ board books were. She handed me a copy of Leslea Newman’s “Heather Has Two Mommies,” and anger swelled up inside of me. I mumbled a thank you and left, tears dripping down my flushed cheeks.
Years passed and I never met anyone else with a gay parent and that profoundly shaped me. I was lonely and had no one who really understood. Confiding in friends is OK, but unless you’ve “been there, done that,” it’s not the same. And although I have two younger brothers, we are years and worlds apart so our experiences are diametrically opposed. We may be siblings, but we process things differently. Consequently we’ve never talked much to each other about it.
In 2011 I finally “met” two other kids of gay dads virtually via the Internet. Coincidentally, our fathers were all born in 1949 within three months of one another. We began talking, emailing, and Skyping. Amie Shea suggested we start The Gay Dad Project. Jared Karol and I jumped in and we began a blog, a Facebook page, and even hopped on Twitter to spread our message: IF YOU HAVE A GAY PARENT YOU ARE NOT ALONE. WE ARE HERE FOR YOU. WE WANT TO SHARE OUR STORIES, AND WE WANT TO HEAR YOURS.
I flew to Oakland with my gay dad in August 2012, to meet Amie, her gay dad and Jared for the first time in person (Jared’s father died of AIDS in 2000). We were instantly comfortable with each other, which isn’t always the way when you meet someone from the Internet. We hugged each other — hard. It was life-changing for me; I didn’t feel alone anymore. We spent Labor Day weekend talking, filming a trailer for a documentary we’re hoping to make, and celebrating at the Oakland Gay Pride festival.
This is my calling, my life. I was born to do this, to spread the message. Coming out of the closet in 1991 was hard enough on us, but gay people are still getting married because they feel the need to hide. We can help put a stop to this! We need to help LGBTQ (Lesbian Gay Bisexual Transexual Queer) people feel free to be themselves and not conform to society’s standards.
Most of all, we need to help the families who are struggling through these circumstances right now. We are here to listen, offer support and advice, and to recommend resources. We welcome your stories on our site. If this is a cause you feel passionately about, we’d love your help spreading the word.
Children of gay parents are not freaks; many are simply hiding, as I did. When a gay parent comes out of the closet, the straight family and children often go INTO the closet. There are plenty of resources for the LGBTQ community, but what about us? What about the kids? We need each other. We need affirmation that we’re not alone.
If you’re reading this, remember that you are not alone. You have me. And you have Amie Shea and Jared Karol, my partners in The Gay Dad Project. And many others who are too scared to share. Together we are a force to be reckoned with. Join us.
Erin Margolin is co-founder of The Gay Dad’s Project, a place for families with one straight parent and one gay parent to share their stories. In December she was interviewed on KCUR. You can hear the interview at http://kcur.org/post/gay-dad-project. Learn more about The Gay Dad Project by visiting www.gaydadproject.org.