“You cannot understand what someone is going through, but you can understand how painful it is,” said Rachel Kodanaz, who will present “Living with Loss: Commitment, Community and Continuity” from 7 to 8:30 p.m. Saturday, Nov. 16. It will be held at The Temple, Congregation B’nai Jehudah, which is co-sponsoring the event with Jewish Family Services. Kodanaz tries to provide clarity to, what she calls, “the often overlooked experience of grief and death.”
“People do not want to speak about death, and shy away from talking about it,” she said. She knows, as she has experienced both the sudden death of a loved one and the grief that follows.
In 1992, Rachel’s life changed when her husband suddenly passed away leaving her with a 2-year-old daughter. She needed to face her loss and learn to accept the circumstances of her new life. Her journey became a commitment to help others.
“Grief is ongoing,” she said. “People have to do their own journey, and their journey might take a while. There are so many things to deal with that it might be a full year before the grief is there.”
Her main focus is that someone does not have to overcome grief in a day, rather it is a process. But she stresses, “You have to take care of yourself first. Take one aspect at a time, and redefine who you are and what you are doing.”
When Kodanaz makes a presentation she tries to be both real and upbeat. She thinks it is important to learn about ourselves, our families and moving forward. Living with loss means incorporating it into your life.
“You have to take each day and embrace it,” Kodanaz said. “And build a new relationship with the person you lost. It will come. You don’t get rid of them, you just have a new way of living with them.”
After her husband died, Kodanaz, who had been in a management position in a large corporation, began working with companies dealing with grieving employees. She wrote a column on grief in the workplace for “Living with Loss Magazine” for 10 years.
“It is not always the elderly who need help dealing with grief,” she said, “they expect it. It is those who do not expect it that need the most help!”
As scholar in residence at B’nai Jehudah, Kodanaz wants to help people work through their loss and realize how much life is left.
“It is important to provide hope,” she said. “If I am able to change one person’s outlook on their loss, I will feel successful.”
Rabbi Alexandria Shuval-Weiner, who is responsible for both lectures at B’nai Jehudah and serves as the rabbinic liaison from the Rabbinical Association to JFS, made the contact with Kodanaz.
“Death is part of life, every single one of us will experience many losses and many of us get stuck. Grief can be so deep that it can be very difficult to move forward,” said Rabbi Shuval-Weiner. “I see so many people who are struggling, and they think that they are alone in their grief. Rachel understands these emotions and from our conversations, she seems to be a woman with whom many in our community will resonate.”
Kodanaz was actually living in the Kansas City area and a member of B’nai Jehudah when her husband passed away. She lived here from 1991 until 1996.
“We hope that Rachel’s program will let attendees know that they are not alone as they move through their experience of grief, and that dealing with any kind of loss is a process made easier with the support and community and tradition,” said Celeste Aronoff, director of communications for JFS.
Kodanaz recently published “Living with Loss, One Day at a Time,” a book she hopes will help others. She focuses on commitment, which is to self; community, who needs to help you; and continuity to keep things going. She believes that you behaved in a certain way before the death of a loved one, you should still be the same way afterward.
The book will be for sale and a signing will follow the program, which is free and open to the community.
